Chrisoft::Blog(r#"Does gaming make me merrier & more relaxed or the opposite?")

-Disclaimer: What this article is and what it is not -

It's abount my current status.
It expresses my fear of losing interest on everything.
It doesn't speak bad of the game industry.
Nor do I try to convince you to behave like me. Although it - saves money, it's horrible. -

"Playing saps the will"

-The heading is a literal translation of the Chinese idiom 「玩物丧志」. -80% of the parents in China believes in this phrase, mine included. -So I was strictly kept away from most ways of entertainment in my early -years. During this period I developed distinct interests among the age -group such as disassembling gadgets, programming and some music skills. -Also due to the same reason, I've never had or even touched any device whose -sole functionality is gaming (i.e. a gaming console, or even a Tamagotchi). -

-The only way to play video games I was aware of then was to go to a stupid -website within a intranet of my area. There was a deeply hidden link where a -lot of flash games are hosted. There were plenty mockups of the Super Mario -series, 「魔塔」[1] -replicas and some strategic games, which definitely contributed to the -shaping of my game preferences. -

-The only non-flash game played by me when I was in the elementary school was -Road Rash 2002. -

-The only non-flash game I played during junior high school was Ballance. -(although I also played a custom map (the tower defense one) for Warcraft -III, a little Red Alert 2 and beat hazard, these never became my dominating -game choice.) I played through the main content in the first month. But as -for the DLC (Level 13, 「速度」/"Sudu"), I didn't pass it until the last day -of Feburary this year. After going through the first 12 levels, I devoted -myself to modding and later, cloning the entire game. I even made a new -but somehow stupid game with the same engine called WHG3D. I still faced the -pressure from my parents because they didn't want me do such "improper -business". -

-Of course I played solitaire and minesweeper, but at this time I wasn't -aware of the actual rules of minesweeper so all I did was clicking randomly. -

Clumsy me

-After getting into senior high school, and later, the StupiD University, -I got more time of my own. I was able to play more than ever, but suddenly -I found out I was too clumsy to play... -

-I tried... -

osu! but I was so clumsy that I couldn't play even with a -touchscreen at the lowest difficulty.
the Touhou project but I am so clumsy that I couldn't even make it -through the normal difficulty of most releases. More on this later.
Minecraft but I was constantly killed by myself using custom potions -
Snakebird but I was so dumb that I couldn't even make it through the -fifth level.
Portal and Portal 2 but I always got stuck in infinite loops.
Neverball but I don't even know how to jump properly.

-These games are actually playable for me: -

Minesweeper: finally I am not clicking randomly anymore. I tried to -be hardcore at this one but my highscores were capped at 130 seconds on -hard. Not even close to 100 seconds.
2048: once you get the trick, you can pass it infinity times.
Patience: although I have little patience, I play patience. If I -got stuck, I just redeal.
Minecraft: still I was constantly killed by myself using custom -potions.
sequels of BTD: these games suck and lags a lot.
chrome://dino: not really playable. I don't know what the fifth -digit of the score is for because I can literally see nothing after reaching -2400.

Finally...

- All of these leads to my current situation: I still play those -"playable" games. For example I can reach round 100 in BMC with a level 35 -city on most maps with ease and I can get to 4096 in 2048 without much -effort, but I always suffer from a strong feeling of voidness -[2] - after stopping playing. I am unsure about the source of such feeling, but -it is definitely related to playing games. The feeling is so strong that I -often stuck for hours before I can actually start getting my jobs done. -

- Probably due to the fear of creating more voidness, I refuse to learn -playing a new game. Also I am gradually losing interest in the games I am -still playing. This could be concerning because once I lost interest in -every game I may be bored to death. All I can do now is to hope that I -would have developed other interests to entertain myself then. -

The Touhou project and Clumsy me cont'd

- I came across this when I was in junior high school. At that time I -thought this was merely girls shooting unknown substance while avoiding -other unknown substance coming in all directions. -

- Later I found the music of this series interesting and started actually -playing it. Before long I started adoring those cute [3] characters as well. -I changed my wallpapers on all my devices to pictures of those characters -so that I can see them everywhere. Also I my favourite playlists were -replaced by the in-game music. -

- But all of these can't hide the fact that I suck at this game. I can't -play through the Normal difficulty of most releases, some not even the Easy -difficulty. This is probably due to some erroneous mechanics of my control -system -- sometimes when my intent was to press a certain key, I may press -another one instead. [4]Strangely this happens only when -I am playing games, it seldom happens when I am typing. Just in case you -are wondering, I type faster than most Chinese computer users, at around -330 cpm or 66 wpm. However this doesn't help me become a decent gamer. -

-What makes everything even worse is that I've got heart disease, making it -impossible for me to play any games that require high tension or may -cause great excitement. These games may really harm me. -

-Any advice on how to fix me is highly appreciated. -